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Divorce Lawyers New York - Fathering After Divorce

Fathering After Divorce

How does one avoid becoming a poor parent after a divorce? It is a fact that divorce changes the father’s parenting role and involvement much more than it changes the mother’s role. Some Fathers who were effective parents before the divorce experience a new set of obstacles that lessens their efficacy as a parent. As researchers learn more about children and divorce, it is becoming clear that it is not the frequency of visits with the father that leads to a strong relationship, but the quality of parenting he provides that does. Focus must remain on being a disciplinarian, setting a positive example, disapproving of inappropriate behavior, and monitoring their children’s activities whether alone or with friends. Although some men are effective fathers after divorce, many others struggle with the role of part-time parent. There are three common pitfalls a father should avoid to keep his relationship healthy and strong.

The Superficial Father

In the aftermath of divorce, most nonresidential fathers develop a friendly, but superficial relationship with their children. They seem to give up on being a real parent and focus more on being just friends with their children. They become reluctant to disciplining their children. They avoid the conflict inherent in a real parenting relationship and do not attempt to monitor or shape their children’s behavior. It’s sad to see the opportunity for more significant and formative relationships lost as fathers become just friends with their children.

Perhaps the primary reason so few fathers take an active part in raising their children, both before the divorce and afterward, is their socialization into narrow and restrictive gender roles. Many men question whether they have anything important to offer their children; they even doubt their competence as a parent. Many men grew up spending little time with their own fathers. They missed out on meaningful conversations with dad about what mattered in their lives. They missed out on listening to their fathers share what was important to them. As a result, many men find it awkward and foreign to respond to the emotional needs of a child who seems so vulnerable.

In addition, many people still believe that children innately belong more to their mothers than to their fathers. This belittling of the paternal role keeps many men from participating in childrearing to their fullest. While new mothers benefit from a culture rich with support, most men experience no support at all to facilitate the transition to fatherhood. As a result, most childrearing responsibilities are left to the mother. Fortunately, though, this does not have to be this way. The father must make it a point to increase his involvement with the childrearing. Moreover, he must remember that he is the father and act accordingly. He must avoid the temptation to be friends with his children, and be the parent they need him to be.

The Irresponsible father

Some fathers promise to be involved with their children then routinely fail to follow through. Some fathers are simply enjoying their new found freedom or life; others more simply feel left out since the divorce. No matter what the reason for the father’s irresponsible behavior, it negatively affects the children. Children rely greatly on routine and unexpected changes can create a severe amount of stress in their lives. Furthermore, a father who does not follow through on commitments often leaves the mother in a precarious position, adding stress to her world that filters down, again, to the children. In fact, it is healthier for the children to have less frequent visits with a father than inconsistent visits. Children suffer when they are repeatedly disappointed. In some children the problem becomes deep rooted in their psyche. The child may begin to feel responsible for the father’s actions. The child may feel unlovable wondering why Dad doesn’t care to be with him or her. This may lead to depression, low self-esteem and poor school performance for the child.

If this is the case, children should be made aware of it head-on. Avoid the continuing disappointment of missed, cancelled or forgotten visit. Unfulfilled promises lead to lifelong feelings of distrust and disillusion. Tell the children that the father is leaving and will not play a regular or dependable part in their life at this time. Although this is a harsh reality to present to children, it should not be avoided. Always leave an opening for things to change in the future, but never make a promise that it will. This allows the father the opening to straighten out and become a dependable, reliable parent. Although well-intended, it is problematic when the mother tries to protect the father or the children from the consequences of the father’s behavior by making excuses or misleading the children by supporting unrealistic hopes and expectations.

Whenever possible, mothers in these situations should try to recruit emotionally responsive men as camp counselors, coaches, extra-curricular activity instructors, and especially, teachers. Mothers raising sons alone should go to great length to select teachers who combine clearly defined rules and enforced limits, warmth and encouragement, and expectations for mature responsible behavior.

Fathers need to be honest about their commitment to their children. Say only what you mean and follow through on all your promises. It is healthier for your children to understand who you are and what your commitment to them is, than to have them continuously disappointed by your actions.

The Immobilized Father

Researchers have found another group of fathers who were concerned, loving parents before the divorce but found it painful to continue their involvement with their children afterward. This father chooses to relinquish contact with his children following the divorce. There are, of course, a number of reasons for this to happen.

In some cases, the mother has alienated the father from the children by filling them with hateful stories about their father. In these cases the mother undermines anything positive the father does and magnifies any possible negativity until the children are literally brainwashed against him.

In other cases, these previously responsible fathers find themselves unable to tolerate visiting their children on a part-time basis with regular good-byes. They fear experiencing the children’s angry or sad feelings toward them. Sometimes it is rather difficult to keep up a relationship with the children if the mother has moved on and started a relationship with another man. Rather than continuing to be hurt by these situations, these fathers withdraw from their role as a parent entirely.

In fact, most fathers in a noncustodial role who try to remain responsible parents report repeated frustration as a result of their visitation. It is especially hard for children to cope with the loss of a previously good relationship with their father. It is far easier for a child to adjust to a change in the frequency of contact with a parent than it is to adjust to the end of a relationship. The later is quite similar to dealing with the death of a parent. Psychological problems are more likely to develop for the child who loses a relationship with a parent, even if the departing parent and child were not close before the divorce. If the father does choose to exit, the help of a child psychologist, pastoral counselor, or family therapist can often help the child cope more successfully.

There are ways for fathers to cope with withdrawal. With the help of a counselor or support group, many of these fathers can manage their sadness and helplessness more effectively. Even short term counseling can have a big impact on helping fathers provide quality parenting as they did before the divorce.

Calling All Fathers

No matter which of these problems the father may be facing while adjusting to his new divorced life, the benefit of counseling is consistent. It helps fathers see that they still have an important role to play in their children’s lives and much to contribute to their development. Some therapists also help them establish concrete plans and specific schedules for visitation and living arrangements that will ensure regular father-child contact. And the benefits extend beyond the father. It is also clearly reflected in the children’s successful adjustment. When fathers are encouraged to be actively involved parents, the entire family will benefit.

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